99 Reasons Why You Will Fail at Cougar Dating

Older women and younger men is one of the internet's hottest dating trends, but just like any romantic encounter it's easy to screw up if you're a newbie.

Here's some sage advice from Oliver Jameson, founder of Cougared.com and recently described as "possibly the world's greatest cougar hunter" by fellow cougar connoisseurs.

The 99 most common mistakes to avoid when cougar dating online:

1. you assume that every cougar is looking for a casual relationship
2. you assume that all men who like cougars are looking for casual relationships
3. you think that cougars will be impressed by a picture of you naked
4. you think that cougars will be impressed by a picture of your car
5. you're a guy in his mid 40s who still thinks he qualifies as a 'cougarbait'
6. you're a woman in her late 20s who thinks she is a cougar because she likes guys who are 21
7. you think way too much about all this stuff
8. you don't know the difference between a cougar and a MILF (do your homework guys)
9. you don't upload a profile photo
10. you upload a photo of yourself naked and the webmaster deletes your account
11. your photo shows you smoking and/or drunk
12. you haven't joined Cougared.com yet
13. you live on a different continent to the person you are messaging
14. you live in Africa or Eastern Europe, operate as a professional internet scammer and declare your love to everyone you meet online
15. you come home drunk and send inappropriate messages
16. your friends log-in to your account and send inappropriate messages on your behalf
17. your profile is too short
18. your profile is too long
19. your profile makes you sound crazy
20. your profile makes you sound boring
21. your profile makes you sound needy
22. your profile makes you sound like a borderline alcholic
23. your profile says you like staying in with a 'DVD and a bottle of wine'
24. your profile contains obscenities and the webmaster deletes your account
25. your personal description contains an external email address and the webmaster deletes your account
26. your profile description talks way too much about your exes, your kids and your previous misdemeanours
27. you assume all cougars behave like Samantha from Sex and the City
28. you think that all younger men care about is beer, women and sports
29. you don't spend enough time on Cougared.com
30. you mistakenly register as the opposite gender and appear in the wrong search results
31. you deliberately register as the opposite gender, in which case you're just a bit strange
32. you don't take the risk of emailing members with no photos (some of them are really hot and they don't get a lot of emails)
33. you don't bother to fill out all of the profile questions
34. you are rude to other members on the forum and get banned
35. you advertise something on the forum and get banned
36. you fail to express your personality through your personal description
37. your screen name makes you sound tragic ("lonelyoldcougar_48")
38. your screen name is too revealing ("i_like_line_dancing")
39. your screen name is offensive and the webmaster deletes your account
40. the site you joined doesn't have enough members
41. the site you joined doesn't have enough members in your area
42. the site you joined doesn't have enough activity
43. you're too cheap to upgrade your membership so you can't send messages
44. you can't be bothered to write messages so you just send winks
45. you never initiate contact and always expect other people to message you first
46. you message people even though you don't fit with what they say they're looking for
47. you send generic messages that indicate you haven't read their profile
48. you believe all cougars should look like Demi Moore
49. you believe all younger guys should look like Ashton Kutcher
50. you expect members to say hi just because you visited their profile page
51. youre grammer adn spellnig is reelly badd
52. u rite n txt langwige lik u r a tinagr
53. your photo doesn't show your face
54. your photo makes you look weird
55. your photo makes you look unhappy
56. your photo has too many other people in it
57. you propostion for no-strings fun in your first message
58. you're too scared to suggest ever meeting up in the real world
59. you ask a cougar if she's been through the 'change of life'
60. you're afraid of what your mom will say about you cougar dating (tip: don't tell her)
61. you're afraid of what your kids will say about you cougar dating (tip: don't tell them)
62. you're afraid of what your friends will say about you dating a cougar (don't worry, they'll be jealous)
63. you're afraid of what your friends will say about you dating a young guy (don't worry, they'll be jealous)
64. you ask for someone's cellphone number too soon and spook them
65. you never get around to asking for their cellphone number and they get bored of waiting
66. you assume that everyone likes using Yahoo!, MSN or AOL instant messenger
67. you spend so long online that you've forgotten how to communicate in the real world
68. you don't spend enough time online and you can't keep up with the net jargon
69. you expect to meet the right cougar or guy online within a few days and give up too soon
70. you use slang to describe your city ("Philly", "The Big Apple") and no-one finds your location on the search engine
71. you lie about your physical appearance and your date walks out when you eventually meet
72. you suggest having your first date in a lap dancing bar
73. you try to relate to an older woman by constantly banging on about The Beatles and JFK
74. you try to relate to a younger man by constantly banging on about hip hop and the NFL
75. you ask a cougar her age without letting her volunteering it
76. you tell a cougar how freaky it is that "you're like the same age as my mom!"
77. you tell a younger guy that your jock son would kick his ass if he saw you out together
78. you don't get around to bookmarking Cougared.com and as a result you're not online enough to appear high in the member search results
79. you confuse cougar dating with adult dating and waste everyone's time
80. you forget to use basic manners when messaging people and alientate the recipient
81. you're too old to be a cougar (if you're 70+ you may fall into the mountain lion category)
82. you're too young to be cougarbait (if you're 17 and you've just watched The Graduate, be patient, your time will come)
83. you post crude messages boasting of your cougar hunting exploits on internet bulletin boards, using your dating site screen name
84. you offer to send pictures of yourself with no clothes without being sure it's ok
85. you request pictures of them with no clothes on without being without being sure it's ok
86. you're sloppy when messaging and get their name wrong in an email
87. you wink at the same person repeatedly without response and end up getting blocked
88. you forget all of your log-in details and have to re-register, losing all your old messages
89. you avoid the superhot cougars or guys because you think they're too good for you
90. you upload pictures of yourself that are clearly soft focus airbrush jobs
91. you upload unflattering pictures because you want them to be pleasantly surprised if you meet
92. you declare in your profile that you have a 'type', putting off lots of potential hot dates
93. you are disparaging about the physical traits that turn you off and come off sounding mean
94. you are not active enough on the forum and waste the chance to attract lots of new visits to your page
95. you are too active on the forum and look like someone with nothing else to do with their time
96. you don't use the site's private chat feature enough
97. you juggle too many prospective dates and end up doing a bad job of sustaining any conversations
98. you joined a crap site and got off on the wrong foot (don't worry, join Cougared.com)
99. you forget that online dating is supposed to be FUN and take it all a bit too seriously!